Nobody in Philadelphia will be surprised if Darryl Dawkins goes up for a dunk some day and never comes down. Meanwhile, from the looks of his column in the Philadelphia Journal, the 76er center could put Kurt Vonnegut Jr. out of work.
Much of Dawkins' column, entitled "The Dunkateer Talks Back," is devoted to praising Julius Erving and 76er opponents, and answering fans' questions. But what the author really likes to talk about is his home planet, Lovetron.
"Lovetron is over one million light-years from earth," the 6'11", 250-pound Dawkins writes. "And we live on love there. We ride on magic carpets that run on Funk Oil." And Lovetron has its own suburb, he says, called Pleasurephonic, "a planet used specifically for cooling out. It's cool, it's calm and nobody does anything at all. Every woman on Pleasure-phonic is a brick house."
A reader asks, "Who is the funkiest person on Lovetron?" Answers Dawkins, "I am the funkiest person on Lovetron. Hey, it's my planet."
A THRILL A SECOND
The Kentucky Derby lasts about two minutes, and the second Clay-Liston fight didn't take that long, but those are regular marathons compared to what took place last week in Nampa, Idaho. There, pep bands, cheerleaders and a crowd of 1,000 turned out for a replay of a protested high school basketball game that lasted exactly one second.
The replay occurred because of a timekeeper's error on a jump ball with just one second remaining in overtime of a district tournament game in which Middleton led Boise's Bishop Kelly 57-55. The tap went to Bishop Kelly's John Brunelle, who heaved up a desperation shot that went in. Had the clock been started properly when the ball was tapped, the basket would have occurred after the buzzer. But the timekeeper mistakenly thought the clock was supposed to be started only when somebody—in this case, Brunelle—gained possession. As a result, the shot beat the buzzer, tying the score 57-57. A second overtime was played, and Bishop Kelly won 63-60.
The next day tournament officials upheld a Middleton protest and ordered the game replayed from the point of the jump ball. And so the teams arrived at the gym, put on uniforms and warmed up. Bands played, cheerleaders and students from the two schools yelled and a radio station aired a pregame—or rather, pre-re-play—show. Then came the jump ball. Brunelle again came up with the ball and actually got off a shot, but this time it was no good. The game was over, Middleton winning 57-55.
Bishop Kelly's players wore black armbands for the one-second replay. As they vainly and very unhappily pointed out, the timekeeper in the disputed game had been following the same misguided procedure on jump balls all along, and once or twice it had also worked to Middleton's advantage.
SHREWD & SLIPPERY