Day Job

"No, I could drink it all by myself." Ba-da-boom.

After turning down liquor for an hour, he tries a different tack. "Actually, I'm on reverse 'roids," he tells a well-oiled guest. "I bulked down and lost 50 pounds. On the bright side, my testicles are huge."

DINNER AND SPEECH
Feherty has a rule about food at outings: If it looks like it should be in a Kleenex, he won't eat it. He doesn't touch his crab cake.

As dessert is served, he's called to the podium to hand out prizes for the most balls lost, the coldest putter and the longest club toss. He retells the joke about the two Irishmen and the sausage. He trots out stories about the notoriously tight Nick Faldo ("He wakes up in the middle of the night to make sure he hasn't lost any sleep"), slow-witted broadcaster Bobby Clampett ("I told Bobby, 'Never start a sentence with 'Lannie, I think ... '--because you don't") and Woods ("Will Tiger ever smile again? I imagine he does every night.")

He rules the room for a good 30 minutes and steps off to loud applause. Gravity Man shouts, "I want to be you when I grow up."

Feherty shakes his head. "If you grow up," he says, "you can't be me."