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I Dream of Janet ...
Steve Rushin
December 27, 2004
... and O.J. and A.I. and everyone else who did things more absurd or outrageous in 2004 than I could possibly imagine
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December 27, 2004

I Dream Of Janet ...

... and O.J. and A.I. and everyone else who did things more absurd or outrageous in 2004 than I could possibly imagine

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This also works on Willie Williams
Dartmouth crew coaches were attacked by a crazed river otter that boarded their boat during varsity practice, but they fought off the "devilish creature" with paddles and a megaphone.

The hard part was prying it from Santa's cold, dead fingers
A 14-year-old boy in Orange, Calif., was trapped overnight in a chimney from which he was trying to retrieve an errant football.

It was won by the Brown noseguard
A reader told New York Post columnist Phil Mushnick that he'd seen an ABC closed-caption scroll identifying linebacker Derrick Johnson of Texas as a finalist for college football's butt kiss award.

The notorious D.O.G.
Ron Artest asked the Pacers for time off to promote a rap album.

So everything worked out in the end
After Artest punched a fan in the stands in Detroit, he was suspended for the season, at which time he began promoting a rap album.

Who says Wal-Mart pays low wages?
The University of Missouri changed the name of Paige Sports Arena when a college roommate of Elizabeth Paige Laurie said she was paid $20,000 to write term papers for the Wal-Mart heiress.

Or so he surmised from hours and hours of illegally unscrambled Court TV coverage
O.J. Simpson told Greta Van Susteren that he thought Kobe Bryant was innocent of sexual-assault charges.

Urine good hands
Chicago Cubs leftfielder Moises Alou, who doesn't wear batting gloves, revealed that he urinates on his hands to harden them.

Angry fans thought Samson Night was a suitcase giveaway
The Triple A Nashville Sounds gave away religious-themed bobblehead dolls of Moses, Samson and Noah.

The guy who won had no proof of insurance
NASCAR rookie Scott Wimmer finished third at the Daytona 500 even though he didn't have a driver's license, which was suspended after a DUI charge.

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