I Dream Of Janet ...

Bring me the head of the guy who brought me the head of the Phillie Phanatic
A 37-year-old man was sentenced to two years' probation for allegedly stealing the head of the Phillie Phanatic and then trying to return it for a $5,000 reward.

Not well
Onstage at a charity telethon, legendary radio disc jockey Bruce (Cousin Brucie) Morrow cheerfully asked Roberto Clemente Jr., "How's your dad?"

Clemente died in '72
Pete Rose wrote in My Prison Without Bars that he was picked ahead of Clemente to start in an All-Star Game in the mid-'70s.

Mays retired in '73
Rose also boasted that he started ahead of Willie Mays in that game.

One more than Bill Clinton
North Korea's government-controlled media reported that Kim Jong Il shoots at least three holes in one every time he plays a round of golf.

Curse of the Gambinos
FBI documents claimed that reliever John Franco left New York Mets tickets for members of the Bonanno crime family.

What a tool
Boston Red Sox first base coach Lynn Jones injured an eye after losing control of a screwdriver while trying to open a box at his home.

And you thought the NHL lockout was the year's longest labor story
At the Tommy Hilfiger fashion show in New York City, Paris Hilton asked 24-year-old Venus Williams and her 23-year-old sister, Serena, "How many minutes apart were you born?"

Now he's crossed the line
DirecTV filed a federal lawsuit against O.J. Simpson alleging that he illegally unscrambled its satellite signal.

Of which Don King took $4.97
In U.S. bankruptcy court records Mike Tyson listed his earnings for November 2003 as $5.58.