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(Note to reader: For the next two weeks, if you miss any of the jokes, they will be replayed at 11 p.m. on Bravo and 4 a.m. on Telemundo.)
NBC DEEP INTO 1,210-HOUR OLYMPIC COVERAGE Here's how it breaks down: 30 hours of features, 45 hours of actual events, 1,135 hours of people going through the metal detector at the Athens airport.
See the opening ceremonies? I'm so embarrassed. I thought that fabric covering all the athletes was a Salute to Masking Agents.
Greece's top two sprinters suspended after missing a scheduled drug test. And yet whoever designed Björk's dress walks the streets a free man.
Konstantinos Kenteris, the defending 200-meter gold medalist, missed the test when he was involved in a suspicious motorcycle accident. I think I know his brother, Jeff Kenteris.
In soccer, the Iraqi team scored a big upset over Portugal and then beat Costa Rica. See? All that practice kicking around the head of the Saddam statue paid off.
You can really see the American influence. The best players on the Iraqi soccer team are the preemptive strikers.
IT'S ALL P.R.: DREAM TEAM SHOCKED IN OPENER O.K., that does it. Next Olympics we send the Globetrotters.
Puerto Rico was not even favored to win a medal. The team has only one NBA player, and the rest are guys from the Sharks.
Team USA has a lot of weaknesses. I'm no Antonin Scalia, but wouldn't any judge in the country consider two weeks of Kobe sticking jumpers in Athens a form of community service?