c. Australia (21
million). We'll take Adam Scott and Geoff Ogilvy. Hell, we'll take any
d. Fiji (one
million). Screw team chemistry, give us Vijay.
? Institute a
draft. When the Houston Texans are horrible, they get the first pick in the
next draft. O.K., with our No. 1, we'll take Sergio Garc�a.
? We want
mulligans. Not on shots, on players. From now on, our captain gets to swap a
guy out halfway through if he's stinking up the joint like garlic-scented
Glade. Last week it would've been a tough choice: Phil Mickelson (zero wins,
four losses, one tie)? Chris DiMarco (0-3-1)? Or Stevie Williams, Woods's
caddie (one dropped nine-iron on Sunday, into the deep pond on number 7 and not
recovered until a diver fished it out when Tiger was on number 15)? You know
it's over when your caddies start drowning clubs.
? No more
folderol. Opening ceremonies, closing ceremonies, galas, mixed-team dinners?
What is this, the Oscars? You think Tiger wants to sit through a two-hour
ceremony while the mayor's daughter sings And They Called It Ireland? Send him
? Cancel the
hotel reservations. One reason Americans do so badly in this thing is that they
get thrown out of their routines. The Europeans may have better chemistry
because they all stay in the same hotels on their tour, but we don't. American
golfers are like mini corporations. Their "team" is their jet, wife,
two nannies, agent, sports psychologist, swing coach and Pilates instructor.
They rent 10,000-square-foot homes, not hotel rooms. So they don't want to play
Foosball with the gang at 3 a.m. Get over it.
? No more
uniforms. Our guys love their endorsements. They need their endorsements.
Without all those patches on their shirts, maybe our guys feel like they're
swinging in a Donna Karan blouse. So no more matching everybody up in the Sears
Johnny Miller collection.
? Pay 'em. The
Ryder Cup is a cash machine for the networks, the PGA of America, the European
tour, the concessionaires, the host club—everybody. The reason the tournament
went to the K Club is because it was payback to the owner from the European
tour. The only people not cashing in are the only people that matter—the
players. One catch: Make it winner-take-all. Let's see if the boys get into it
matches on Sunday, with the victors gathered on the balcony of the clubhouse,
thousands of giddy and drunken European fans gathered below and serenaded their
heroes with Cockles and Mussels ... "Alive, alive, ohhh-ohhh."
But if something
doesn't change soon, Jack, this thing is dead.