An S.o.s. From The U.s.

c. Australia (21 million). We'll take Adam Scott and Geoff Ogilvy. Hell, we'll take any Ogilvy.

d. Fiji (one million). Screw team chemistry, give us Vijay.

? Institute a draft. When the Houston Texans are horrible, they get the first pick in the next draft. O.K., with our No. 1, we'll take Sergio Garc�a.

? We want mulligans. Not on shots, on players. From now on, our captain gets to swap a guy out halfway through if he's stinking up the joint like garlic-scented Glade. Last week it would've been a tough choice: Phil Mickelson (zero wins, four losses, one tie)? Chris DiMarco (0-3-1)? Or Stevie Williams, Woods's caddie (one dropped nine-iron on Sunday, into the deep pond on number 7 and not recovered until a diver fished it out when Tiger was on number 15)? You know it's over when your caddies start drowning clubs.

? No more folderol. Opening ceremonies, closing ceremonies, galas, mixed-team dinners? What is this, the Oscars? You think Tiger wants to sit through a two-hour ceremony while the mayor's daughter sings And They Called It Ireland? Send him the video.

? Cancel the hotel reservations. One reason Americans do so badly in this thing is that they get thrown out of their routines. The Europeans may have better chemistry because they all stay in the same hotels on their tour, but we don't. American golfers are like mini corporations. Their "team" is their jet, wife, two nannies, agent, sports psychologist, swing coach and Pilates instructor. They rent 10,000-square-foot homes, not hotel rooms. So they don't want to play Foosball with the gang at 3 a.m. Get over it.

? No more uniforms. Our guys love their endorsements. They need their endorsements. Without all those patches on their shirts, maybe our guys feel like they're swinging in a Donna Karan blouse. So no more matching everybody up in the Sears Johnny Miller collection.

? Pay 'em. The Ryder Cup is a cash machine for the networks, the PGA of America, the European tour, the concessionaires, the host club—everybody. The reason the tournament went to the K Club is because it was payback to the owner from the European tour. The only people not cashing in are the only people that matter—the players. One catch: Make it winner-take-all. Let's see if the boys get into it then.

After the matches on Sunday, with the victors gathered on the balcony of the clubhouse, thousands of giddy and drunken European fans gathered below and serenaded their heroes with Cockles and Mussels ... "Alive, alive, ohhh-ohhh."

But if something doesn't change soon, Jack, this thing is dead.