SI Vault
 
The Devil Went Down to Pittsburgh
Rick Reilly
November 06, 2006
PLEASE ALLOW me to introduce myself.
Decrease font Decrease font
Enlarge font Enlarge font
November 06, 2006

The Devil Went Down To Pittsburgh

View CoverRead All Articles
1 2 3

Nothing.

Then I lost my temper and tried to kill him. Four months after that Super Bowl, I smashed him and his motorcycle into a Chrysler New Yorker at 40 mph.

But the damned kid lived. And as he lay in critical condition at the hospital, an even worse thing happened: You fans started praying for his soul. I just can't tell you how much that complicates things.

I complained to God while we were playing racquetball one day. Even showed him my signed contract. But He just shrugged and said, "What can I do? People like the guy!"

But Ol' Beelze doesn't quit easy, Bub. Three months later I put a pox on Mr. Roethlisberger's appendix. It nearly burst, but he survived. I had his backup, Mr. Batch, make like Joe Namath, just to spite him. But two weeks later, Mr. Roethlisberger was right back in there. So, I made him start throwing like Marie Antoinette. At one point his passer rating was 34.3. My pet serpent could do a 34.3. The Steelers' record fell to 1--3, but you just kept right on loving him.

Two weeks ago I sent three Falcons to knock him loopier than King George. Mr. Roethlisberger had to be taken off in a cart. Last week I even had him lose to the Raiders. ( Al Davis is a friend.)

But he still wouldn't budge.

I'm stuck. I humbly ask for your help. I know it's not easy to have sympathy for the agent, but Mr. Roethlisberger and I had an agreement. Stop bailing him out with your infernal prayers and hope and faith in him. Please?

Or how about a compromise? I won't lodge him forever in a minotaur's colon, but can I at least trade him to Buffalo?

If you have a comment for Rick Reilly, send it to reilly@siletters.com.

1 2 3