The Way To A Man's Heart

IT'S HERE, that special day in February we guys mark in red on the calendar, the day we rekindle our love. This, of course, is the day pitchers and catchers report.

Apparently, something called Valentine's Day falls somewhere near it and seems to have meaning to you ladies. We know because there is a sudden increase of man-bashing on coffee-klatch shows starring scary, largish women.

Overall women seem to be saying, "All men care about is sports! They don't listen! They don't understand us!" To which we nod mindlessly and reply, "Hon, did you TiVo the NASCAR for me?"

But before the Luge World Championships start tonight, we would very much like to say, "Why is it always about you? How about you trying to understand us for once?" For instance...

When you say, "Rub aloe on that cut. It'll reduce the scarring," you don't get it. We want it to scar more.

Just because we haven't played catcher in years, it's not O.K. to throw out our jock and cup. Do we throw away your pom-poms?

Whatever amount we say we lost or won in our fantasy league, double it.

With our bookie? Triple it.

If you have something important to tell us, don't do it during SportsCenter. Because when you come up and say, "I've decided not to get my masters and do something else, like sing," we hear, "I've decided the Masters will be won by Els or Singh."

You say it boggles your mind how we can watch a college basketball game that was played in 1969. We say it boggles our mind how you can watch Rachel Ray make a meatloaf.