? Call the Hall of Fame and ask which cap will appear on Bonds's head in his Coopers-town exhibit—the size 7, the 7 1/2 or the 8?
? Pull out a copy of Game of Shadows—by San Francisco Chronicle writers Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams—and begin reading aloud how Bonds used steroids, human growth hormone, insulin, testosterone decanoate, bovine steroids and female fertility drugs to help him set this record. And then watch Bonds step on home and point to God.
? If you're watching on TV, flip to something a little more plausible, like MacGyver.
? Hold up a big sign that says 650, which is about how many home runs Bonds would have if you replaced the homer totals from his alleged juicing years (1999 through 2004) with his prejuice pace of 32 per season.
? Send rabbits' feet, four-leaf clovers and two-headed pennies to Alex Rodriguez and Ken Griffey Jr., letting them know that you're pulling for them to pass Bonds like he's a hitchhiker in an orange jumpsuit.
? Hold up a big sign: FLAXSEED WORKS!
? Jump onto the field and give commissioner Bud Selig a hug, for he's a Milwaukee native who loved watching Hank Aaron, and his fondest wish was probably to see Bonds fall down an elevator shaft.
? Get Bonds's autograph at the ballpark—on the bottom of an affidavit that reads, I set this record with the help of performance-enhancing drugs. I am a very large jerk for doing so.
? Squirt juice out of a giant syringe.
? Remind yourself that they put a gold medal around Ben Johnson's neck for a while, too.