One Hell Of A Day

A WOMAN IN San Francisco e-mails, "Dear moron: Go straight to hell."

I already know exactly what it's going to be like there:

5:45 a.m.
Gently nuzzled awake in Motel 5 by Richard Simmons.

5:46
One-hour radio interview on Biloxi's most popular morning sports talk show, "Tuna and Dr. Fudge!"

Tuna: Buddy, we love you every month in the Sporting News!

Dr. Fudge: Screw that! Whatchu think of this new hoss 'Bama just got at tackle?

6:47
Nothing on hellavision except ESPN's World Series of Pasty Men Folding 2--7 Hands (tape delayed).

7:01
Only outfit to wear: Detroit Red Wings jersey, New York Yankees hat and Ian Poulter's pants.

7:15
Newspaper limited to columns by Larry King, "Love is ..." comics and an already completed Jumble.

7:30
Mandatory hot yoga with instructor Bobby Knight.