HELLO! AND WELCOME to Boston. Allow me to congratulate each of you on the six straight championships your teams are about to win. Please note that we Boston fans have already pretty much banked these titles, and failure to deliver them is not recommended. Your careers in Boston will be judged starting with your various title defenses in 2013.
I cannot remember a time when the city was so excited for all three major teams. When I heard Randy Moss was coming to the Pats, I thought, "Finally, a long ball threat for Brady!" When the Sox acquired Eric Gagn� it was, "Two closers! We're so lucky!" And when news of the Kevin Garnett deal came across the wires I thought, "I only wish the Celtics were still in Boston." Then I was told that they are still in Boston. So ... great!
Because of you, Boston fans have been talking sports 24/7. This is up significantly from the normal average of 23/7—the extra hour usually reserved for local politics and stories of times we met Matt Damon. (In my case it was 1996, outside the Charles Hotel in Cambridge. We talked about Wade Boggs for 20 seconds. We're basically best friends.)
To help you get accustomed to your new environs, I will now answer some questions you might have as you embark on a new life in the greatest sports city in the world.
Are people excited about us joining our new teams?
Absolutely. Critics, pundits and fans alike largely approved of the moves that brought you here. Which was very confusing. We're not used to describing our front offices as "competent" or "smart" or basically anything except "hopeless morasses of dysfunction."
I'm confused—aren't the front offices generally excellent?
They're idiots. We could run their teams better.
Wait. I know the Celtics have had some hard times. But the Pats have won three Super Bowls, and the Sox won the Series in 2004.
I can't hear you. You're breaking up. I'm going into a tunnel. (I did hear the Celtics part, though, and I agree.)