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Tips for TO And Randy
Rick Reilly
January 24, 2005
It's just flat wrong. Randy Moss scores a touchdown and pantomimes mooning the crowd. Shame on him! Terrell Owens scores a TD and rips down the opposing fans' banners. Disgusting! Really, I'm sick to my stomach.
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January 24, 2005

Tips For To And Randy

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It's just flat wrong. Randy Moss scores a touchdown and pantomimes mooning the crowd. Shame on him! Terrell Owens scores a TD and rips down the opposing fans' banners. Disgusting! Really, I'm sick to my stomach.

How come they never use any of my ideas?

Remember the good old days? When guys would celebrate the joy of six with clever stuff--making cellphone calls, signing footballs with Sharpies pulled from socks, shaking pom-poms, doing 300-pound Beyonc� imitations, holding signs begging not to be fined?

Now we're down to crap that wouldn't make the final cut for Talent Night at the North Walla Walla Middle School. Minnesota's Moss rubbing his gluteus on the goalpost? Please. That's offensive. Not from a taste standpoint. From an entertainment standpoint. "Next time," he told reporters last week, "I might shake my d---."

It's so sad when the good ones work blue.

The tight asses of the world have their boxers in a tangle over this stuff, but the real crime is how lame the celebrations have become. Even the Marcel Marceau of end-zone mimes--the Philadelphia Eagles' Owens--is out of ideas. We knew that in October, when he scored a touchdown and then did six sit-ups. Yawn. What's on The History Channel?

Visitors to his website try to help. They've suggested that when Owens gets back from his ankle injury, he should 1) raise the PAT net himself; 2) pretend to start a chain saw and cut down the goalpost; 3) run to the replay monitor, watch himself score and signal touchdown; and 4) bank the football off a backboard and through a basketball rim that a fan in an end-zone seat offered to bring.

The experts are chiming in. "How about taking out an imaginary day planner," says Cary Trivanovich, of American Academy of Mime, "and an imaginary pen and making a big imaginary check mark? Like, O.K., that's off my list!"

Las Vegas's Dave the Mime thinks somebody should "pretend he's getting an Oscar, mime the tearful speech, then walk off arm-in-arm with an imaginary escort, only to realize he's going the wrong way."

Uh, folks? You're missing the whole the-magnificence-of-me/the-sucking-noise-that-is-you tone to these things. Do you realize how much ego a player has to have to pretend nobody blocked, decoyed or threw the ball to him? Owens, for instance, is a guy who has this quote under his picture when he replies to your e-mails: "I luv me sum me!"

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