So Good It's Bad

Were you as disappointed as I was when superlobbyist Jack Abramoff walked out of the courthouse in traditional Orthodox Jewish garb, which happens to look an awful lot like typical gangster chic? If Abramoff or his lawyers had given the matter more thought, he would have worn a cashmere sweater over a Cutter & Buck polo, salmon-colored plus fours, over-the-calf Argyle socks, saddle shoes and a salt-and-pepper tam-o'-shanter. That's the outfit for "I bought influence by treating congressmen, their families and aides to lavish golf trips in Scotland."

It bothers me when a big shot like Abramoff blows an opportunity to promote golf. Fortunately, my friends in the mainstream media get it. "Golf is acquiring the whiff of scandal," The New York Times trumpeted in a recent article--the scandal being, as far as I could tell, the 70 grand that Big Jack paid to introduce representatives Tom DeLay of Texas and Bob Ney of Ohio to the Old Course at St. Andrews. Golf, continued the Times, is "an almost irresistible political carrot that is used to buy favor and access."

Putting aside for a moment the propriety of bribing elected officials, you have to love that golf has become the gold-standard currency. L'affaire Abramoff makes the Abscam congressmen of 1980, with their cash-stuffed pockets, look low-rent. It makes former speaker of the house Jim Wright, who allegedly sold thousands of copies of his self-published memoir to political supplicants, look like a kid with a lemonade stand.

Mark Twain, were he still alive, would have to change his definition of golf from "a good walk spoiled" to "a spoiled pol walking."

Some will miss the point. The Times reported that a lawyer teaching ethics to a class of FBI agents told them, "Golf is bad."

Huh? If golf were bad, you wouldn't have Washington weasels selling out Indian tribes, tree-huggers, miners' unions, teachers, retirees and poor people for a free round in a Rust Belt pro-am. No, golf is very, very good. It's humbling: Can you imagine how Tom (the Hammer) DeLay would treat Democrats if he had never four-putted from three feet? It's educational: Several courses in Hawaii are adjacent to ancient petroglyphs. It has clearly stated rules, analogous to the 1978 FISA law requiring a federal warrant for domestic spying, and a code of conduct so strict that players routinely call penalties on themselves--which no doubt informs the conscience of former Christian Coalition head Ralph Reed, who crossed the Swilcan Burn on Abramoff's dollar.

Is it too soon to nominate Abramoff for the World Golf Hall of Fame?