The whole town is
100% June Cleaver. I once walked into Nordstrom, the Seattle-based department
store, and sheepishly asked if I could bring back a shirt I'd bought a month
before in another town. The clerk said, "Sir, this is Nordstrom. You could
wear it for 10 years, throw up on it and roll down a mountain in it and we'd
take it back." Ask that at Neiman Marcus and they call security.
happening. Walruses don't do triple Salchows, and Seattle teams don't win
2. You're too
Microsoft cofounder Paul Allen, looks like the kid in high school who always
got taped to the goalposts. If Allen wins, will he call all his friends from
band camp? Throw his slide rule into the air? Plot his joy on a scatter
average Seahawks fan drives a Prius. Your average Steelers fan drives a Ford
Excursion, which has Priuses in its tire treads. Seahawks fans own poodles.
Steelers fans eat them.
3. You're too
Seattle is a
great place if you happen to be mold. It just rained 27 straight days and it
wasn't even a record. Seattle is basically a lot of guys waiting for a bus with
rain starting to seep into their socks. Most kids are seven years old before
they realize the umbrella is not an extension of the right arm. No wonder most
great athletes leave. Ken Griffey Jr. left, basically saying, "I want my
kid to be able to play outside once in a while."
In short, you
people are too damn peaceful and happy in your Emerald City. You ever know
anybody from Pittsburgh? You want this Super Bowl. Pittsburgh needs it. You're
going to get smoked like a platter of smelt.
(But do you mind
if we come live there?)
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