At the Madden EA party I see Anthony Anderson, then P. Diddy arrives with a squad car, three motorcycle cops and a three-SUV posse. That's 14. A member of Diddy's entourage pushes me out of the way--it's Reggie Jackson. Hey, you know you're big when your stooges are celebs.
Friday night The Super Bowl has more celeb parties than Donald Trump has hairstylists. At one I meet Pauly Shore, then blow him off for Playboy's 50th-anniversary playmate, Colleen Shannon, who's having a very hard time picking a team. "You don't know who's playing, do you?" I finally ask.
"Uh, no," she admits. Don't care. Sixteen.
I see Adam Carolla (17), who explains the Super Celebrity phenomenon. "If one celebrity does something, we all do it," he says. "If celebrities started jumping off a cliff, we'd all do that. I just think it'd be great if Ben Affleck and Alec Baldwin did it first."
The Maxim party is so lousy with celebs you get tan off the minicam lights. I check off so many that I just have to go to smaller type: Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, Johnny Knoxville, Janet Jackson, Dave Navarro, Joey Fatone (did you know, if you don't rearrange the letters, it spells "fat one"?), the Joe Millionaire guy, Pamela Anderson and the geeky guy from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. O.K., I didn't actually meet them all, but Larry King can't read type this small. That's 26.
Saturday night Tickets to the Playboy party--at which guests can paint feathers on nude models--are going for $1,300. Ticket to the game: $500. Still, I get Jimmy Fallon, Tara Reid, Jaime Pressly and Michelle Branch. That's 30.
Sports Illustrated's party would make Nero blush, though, sadly, no girls are wearing Benjamin Moore. Still, I click off Jay-Z, Beyonc�, LL Cool J, Bill O'Reilly (when's the last time you saw those names in a row?), Roshumba, Petra Nemcova, Molly Sims and Michael Chiklis. That's 38.
Sunday afternoon At the Cadillac Celebrity Go-Kart Race I get David Arquette, Billy Bush and Paris Hilton, who gets a roll in the hay when Jimmy Kimmel slams his runaway kart into the hay bale she's standing on, flipping her elbow over inheritance. That's 42.
At a lunch I meet Steven Tyler (43) and his four bandmates, who must be famous to somebody, right (47)? O.K., so I'm getting desperate. I count two people who've been famous for only 14 minutes: Leon, the spoiled jock from the Budweiser commercials, and the My Big Fat Obnoxious Fianc� guy (49), who seems as surprised as anyone to be having a free week at the Super Bowl.
One more for 50. It's nearly kickoff. And that's when I see him, leaning against a pillar, talking to nobody, the Yugo of celebrities: Kato Kaelin.