I think I've
incontrovertibly established that whatever we're doing to choose MVPs and Best
Picture winners, it's not working. My solution? The establishment of a National
Council on Movies and Baseball, similar to the Supreme Court in that the
President will appoint its nine members but different in that people will care
about it. Only the brightest, baseball-savviest film experts need apply. The
NCMB will pore over spreadsheets of sabermetric data, watch every frame of the
year's 32 depressing Serbian genocide films, agonize for weeks and months over
their decisions. And when their selections are revealed, we will tar and
feather them, for they will have chosen Juno, David Eckstein and Juan Pierre.
That's just how these things go.
Junior writes for
the blog firejoemorgan.com.
FREE AT SI.COM
Your one stop for offbeat humor and the wackiest sports stories and links,
including Hot Clicks and the Daily List, is SI.com/extramustard.