The Magical And Mysterious Oz

Okay, right off the bat, let me be clear: Ozzie Guillen, the manager of the Chicago White Sox, is my favorite person in baseball. He's hilarious. He's the best skipper in the game. He had only an eighth-grade education in Venezuela yet is one of the smartest men you'll ever meet. And he's done a whole lot better in Chicago than I ever would've done in Caracas. My only question is, what the hell did he just say?

I mean, you wanna try it?

Ozzie: "Mang, eet don't take no geenus to play bazebool. Eet don't take no Bay Roo. Jew jus fukkus."

DeOzzified: "Man, it doesn't take a genius to play baseball. It doesn't take Babe Ruth. You just focus."

Ozzie: "We had the heeng-and-rung goeeng, but da bitcher he naw give us a cood bitch."

DeOzzified: "We had the hit-and-run going, but the pitcher didn't give us a good pitch."

Wait! Don't go! I'm not making fun of him! I'm just saying I wouldn't want to be the beat guy for the Chicago Tribune trying to understand him. Or the rookie just in from Shreveport. Or his accountant. Because even though the man has been working in this country for 26 years, his accent is thicker than Chita Rivera's makeup.

Me: Who taught you English?

Ozzie: Joan Kroc.

Me: Joan Kroc? The McDonald's lady?