What's Your Line?

The world is full of bulls--- jobs: aromatherapist, closet organizer, construction-site flag-waver, life coach. I know because I've written a book called 100 Bulls--- Jobs ... And How to Get Them. B.S. jobs are not a bad thing. They pay pretty well, in some cases ridiculously so. The necessary skills are easily acquired, even for those who did not ace the fourth grade. And the duties are often few and far between (and probably more fun than what you're doing--unless you're fortunate enough to be, say, a hand model). Since you're reading SI at the moment--and not working--you might be interested in a rundown of the biggest B.S. jobs in sports.

TV bloviator
Have you got the right stuff to delve into the bottomless river of drivel that is television sports commentary? Can you conceive an uninformed opinion on any sport--pro, college, high school, grade school, preschool--and scream it above the spittle-flecked rantings of an interlocutor as poorly prepared as yourself? Would you be willing to eat dog food on TV, as Cold Pizza's Woody Paige was last fall, to prove a point about the San Diego Padres?

B.S. Quotient: 52%

B.S. Reduction Factors: People are sometimes so bored by you, they disappear during a dinner at which you're being honored. And dog food is salty. Very salty.

Sports agent
A seven-figure salary is not out of the ordinary, and why should it be when you're laughing at nine-figure offers for your aging workhorses and marginal wunderkinds? Attention to detail is not necessary (in 2003 Anthony Carter's rep forgot to tell the Miami Heat that Carter wanted to pick up his $4.1 million option, costing him his spot on the team). But you must know how to shine people on or cut them dead, depending on the situation. The great agents find a profound sense of personal achievement in the success of others--as long as they have a piece of them.

B.S. Quotient: 61%

B.S. Reduction Factor: Must take the periodic midnight call from law enforcement.

Itinerant malcontent
It's easy, fun and--ask TO--more financially rewarding than playing hard and fulfilling your contract. Just doze in team meetings, show up late for charity events and fight with teammates until everybody is willing to treat you like a failed CEO and pay you to go away. No one did it better than Keyshawn Johnson, who kept receiving his $170,000-a-week salary from the Buccaneers in 2003 after the team told him not to bother showing up for games or practices.

B.S. Quotient: 68%.

B.S. Reduction Factors: Media hordes gather when you do sit-ups in driveway--and you get ripped by TV bloviators.