Furious George

Hey, George, love what you've done with the basement!

Not to worry, George! You turn the paper upside down, you're in first!

Who does your shopping, George, the Pentagon?

Mr. S will be mad enough to eat bees. He will be in what we call his Furious George place. He'll need cold compresses for his forehead. He already had me order up another crate of pink slips, and believe me, he won't be writing any to himself.

So it is my advice, dear employees, to stay home, call in scared or go to the courthouse and beg for jury duty. If you must come in, I recommend wearing a suit to match the wallpaper. Women should wear shifts that resemble potted ferns. Mr. S will be looking to fire anybody and everybody. Last time he was this mad, he fired two FedEx guys and a homeless lady before he got to his desk.

Mr. Torre, as the Yanks' manager, you're in real danger. Have you considered a disguise? Perhaps dress as a reporter. Mr. S rarely talks to them anymore. In Louisville he gave fewer quotes than Bellamy Road.

I feel for you, Mr. Torre. You didn't have much luck at Churchill Downs, either. The day before the Derby your 3-year-old filly, Sis City--the 3-5 favorite to win the Kentucky Oaks--ran like she was carrying the McCaughey septuplets, finishing fourth. Then, that night, your $208 Million Mistake went out and played like a bunch of three-year-olds, committing three errors in the 10th inning alone and losing to the Oakland A's 6-3. We all like you, Mr. Torre, but I have a feeling Mr. S will be moving your desk to Bellamy Road. Got a shovel?

I know it's hard to feel sorry for a spoiled, petulant, silver-spoon boor who buys whatever it takes to win and then calls himself a winner, but you have to feel a little sorry for Mr. S. He's like King Midas walking backward lately. Everything he touches turns to mold. He trails a team with a $74 million payroll, the Baltimore Orioles, by eight games already. Mr. S spent more than that on Jason Giambi--and he was benched.

And even when good things do happen to the Yankees--and it hasn't been often--somebody finds a way to kill the buzz. Case in point: Our own Alex Rodriguez had a heroic game last month, with three home runs and 10 RBIs, so what did some media types do? Drag out the old Yeah, but he's not a real Yankee argument.

How dare they say that? Alex Rodriguez left his teammates and his fans in Texas for monster bucks from Mr. S and to try to win a cheap World Series ring. If that's not a real Yankee, what is?