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I have a very personal question to ask. Do you mind drinking beverages dispensed from your fly?
No? Then do I have a product for you!
It's called The Beerbelly ($49.95). It's a beer-storage device worn under your shirt that holds 80 ounces, thus allowing you to approximate life as Larry the Cable Guy. Just hang The Beerbelly around your neck, test the miniature spigot at the bottom and off you go!
Think of all the other uses. Going to SkyBar, where beers are, like, $117? Strap on a Beerbelly! Long flight in coach? Nonstop beer! Porky's and Porky's II double feature? Don't miss a minute!
The makers recommend "sneaking the dispensing spout out your fly." Brilliant! Plus, who'll ask you to share?
"Get your own beer," I sneered.
"No, you Spam brain," he said. "A Stadium Pal lets you watch the entire game without having to get up to pee."
Sadly, he wasn't joking. The Stadium Pal ($29.95) was invented by a Cincinnati Bengals fan who hated missing part of the game for any reason. And my question was: What is a Bengals fan afraid that he'll miss? A punt?
The Stadium Pal is a (cough, cough) collection device that has a tube running down to a bag that's attached to your calf, with a little drainage valve at the bottom for ... later. In other words, another beer-storage device. On the Pal website, a woman complained that her husband liked it so much he used it while watching games on TV. "Men are lazy," she wrote. (You think?)