Let's talk about
your mama. Not your mama, specifically, but the timeless "your mama"
insult, as in "Your mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack
of hot dogs." You can't possibly take such slurs seriously, even if your
mama's armpits really are so hairy that she appears to have Buckwheat in a
And yet in
sports your mama remains the mother of all insults. It is assumed to have cost
France the World Cup final, from which French captain Zin�dine Zidane was
ejected after head-butting an Italian defender who reportedly questioned, in
vivid language, the virtue of Zidane's mother. This has been categorically
denied by the Italian, Marco Materazzi, whose surname derives from the Latin
mater (mother) and azzi (wears army boots).
As fodder for
insults, your mama's promiscuity is second only to her weight problem, two sore
spots that are frequently combined into one outrageous untruth. No one's mama
is so big that you have to roll over twice to get off her. But veracity is not
strictly the point when it comes to insulting your mama.
The point is to
provoke a reaction, and by history's standard, Materazzi was lucky to escape
with Zidane's head in his chest. Because John the Baptist had insulted her
mother, Salome received his head on a platter.
Still, your mama
has had its most lasting effect in sports, where athletes and fans have been
insulting her since the beginning of time. In 1912 Ty Cobb climbed into the
stands in New York after a handicapped man named Claude Lueker allegedly
slandered Amanda Cobb. Cobb promptly pummeled Lueker, adding injury to
To protest his
ensuing suspension, Cobb's teammates staged a one-day walkout, during which the
Tigers fielded replacement players. The substitutes lost 24-2 to the
Philadelphia A's, setting records for single-game futility, including the
26-hit complete game thrown by Allan Travers, who went on to become a Catholic
priest, a rare marriage of Our Father and your mama.
In the century
that followed, your mama lost some of her shock value. Son of a bitch, for
instance, is now often used as a term of endearment. Hines Ward once popped up
smiling after a vicious hit from defensive back Rodney Harrison, who told the
Steelers receiver, "You're one tough son of a bitch." Ward never forgot
decades ago Darryl Dawkins named one of his dunks Yo Mama-dunking on a defender
being the physical manifestation of that playground insult. Today, yo mama is
so benign a dis that it's the name of an insult-competition show on MTV.
Speaking of your
mama, David Wells's brawl in a Manhattan diner four years ago was set off by an
unspecified insult about the then Yankee's mother. Wells would return the favor
that night, describing his attacker to a 911 operator as a "little squatty
mother---." In court the attacker's aggrieved mother insulted still more
mothers when she reportedly shouted at Wells's legal team, "Bastards!"
The case was an endless, unimaginative Yo-Mama-o-Rama.
Wells won not
just in court but also in the court of public opinion, where an insult to one's
mother excuses almost any retaliation. Samoan rugby star Terry Fanolua was let
off with a fine after breaking the jaw of a mama-invoking man in a wine bar in
England, prompting this explanation from Fanolua's lawyer: "To call a man's
mother a whore in Western Samoan culture is very insulting." As opposed to
... where, exactly?