Ashley and I started flying to all these stupid tournaments-- Dallas and
Baltimore and, my God, Ottawa!--and every one is billed as 'the recruiting
event of the year!' And do you know who we see at these tournaments? The same
damn girls we used to play in our neighborhood league! Essentially, we're
flying across the country to get our ass kicked by the same exact people!
"So I start
talking to these girls' parents, and it turns out they don't really want to be
there either, but their kids were saying we were going to do it, so they had
"But then my
wife gets to talking to some other moms at Justin's slap shot workshop, and
they say we're crazy if we don't have a 'performance-enhancement specialist'
for our kids. So she signs them both up with one. Then she finds out most of
these girls have 'recruiting consultants' who make highlight reels of kids and
send them to college coaches. I'm like, 'She's 14!' And my wife is like,
'You're gonna tell our little girl no?' Then we add a rating-service guy and a
sports psychologist and a webmaster.
with me working half time and all this crap I'm paying for and all these trips,
I had to take out a second mortgage. Denise can't work because she's spending
every waking moment in a freezing ice rink, which makes her joints stiffen up.
Luckily, Hans knows some New Age massage technique that makes her feel
"So now I'm
getting no sleep, turning my stomach into a Dumpster and having less sex than a
dead monk. But before I can put my foot down, my boss does. He fires me! And as
he's firing me, he adds, 'By the way, the average lacrosse scholarship is
$1,000, you putz!' So I punch him, and now I think my hand might be broken.
"I stomp out
and go find Ashley to say, 'It's over.' And she goes, 'Whatever. I quit today
anyway. My sports psychologist says you guys push me too hard.'
"Nice. So I go
home to tell Denise, but she's not there. Three days go by. I figure she's at
the Elite Competitive Hockeypalooza in Cheyenne. Turns out she moved in with
Hans. Says she wants to be with someone who 'knows' her. Oh, and she really
"So now I get
home and somebody changed the locks! Probably the mortgage company, since I'm
"And do you
know what I learned from all this, man? I learned that the most viciously
competitive sport in the world is parenting.
I wanted to ask you is--you wanna buy some lacrosse sticks?"