Just as a slight
rearrangement of furniture can improve a room immeasurably, the shuffling of
letters within a word can make a world of difference. Typographically, a sports
bra is scarcely distinguishable from a sports bar. But which would you rather
be lounging around in when your wife walks in unexpectedly?
names, and some baseball players become baseball groupies: Bengie Molina is
"Melanie Bingo" and Lance Niekro becomes "Annie Locker." All of
which is to say that anagrams make sports infinitely more interesting. Other
athletes turn into Negro Leagues legends-- Kelvim Escobar is "Lovesick
Bream," Austin Croshere is "Suitcase Horner," Alex Escobar is
"Boxcar Seale"--and a current NBA player ( Howard Eisley) morphs into an
ABA player of the 1970s (Wesley Hairdo).
Sure, on rare
occasions the exotic ( Jalen Rose) becomes prosaic ( Earl Jones). But more often,
anagrams give an athlete a name more evocative than his own. Just as Jim
Morrison liked to called himself "Mr. Mojo Risin'," diminutive Hawks
guard Tyronn Lue comes to life more vividly as "Leon Runty."
Ask Leon Runty:
Anagrams are brutally honest, telling the truth as nothing else can. And so
that courtside seat really is for "catered-to suits," the kind of
indolent fans who never wore an athletic supporter--"the testicular
prop" familiar to real athletes. They are wannabes like penurious Clippers
owner Donald Sterling, "tending dollars" in the owner's box.
has charm. I love the Florida Gators, those "'fro gladiators."
But the bulk of
NBA players lack charisma, and the games themselves are one-sided: Bo Outlaw in
And the tattoos!
On every limb Kenyon Martin has an "inky ornament."
Baseball is worse.
The Tribune Comp'ny continues to "print Cub money," yet Dusty Baker has
to manage "bad turkeys."
The A's are more
successful playing moneyball, the soulless invention of a "lonely
See why we need
anagrams? They are Sodium Pentothal. And so I say unto the Tampa Bay Devil
Rays: "Ye art abysmal, vapid." And your "designated hitter"
gets paid for "sitting there dead."