Gutless Wonders

Homeland security in this country is abysmal. Look at the infiltration of baseball alone.

Seems like every week somebody sneaks into the mansion of a major league player and spikes his Lucky Charms with steroids. Or tricks him into sitting on syringes full of testosterone. Call in the Marines! Or at least Ann Coulter!

Take poor Barry Bonds. He found out too late that the flaxseed oil he was innocently taking had been secretly laced with the designer steroid THG. "What did I do?" Bonds asked reporters at spring training. Indeed, what kind of monster would do that to our beloved Barry?

Same with the first major leaguer who came up positive under baseball's new drug-testing policy, Tampa Bay Devil Rays centerfielder Alex Sanchez (now with the San Francisco Giants). "I take stuff I buy over the counter," he protested. Safeguard the water supplies!

The conspiracy claimed another hero last week. Baltimore Orioles first baseman Rafael Palmeiro was shocked--shocked!--that he'd tested positive for steroids. After all, only four months earlier he'd wagged his finger at Congress and barked, "I have never used steroids. Period!"

He was completely befuddled as to how he could possibly have ingested stanozolol, the same juice that sprinter Ben Johnson was framed with at the 1988 Olympics. "I have never intentionally used steroids," Palmeiro insisted afterward.

So there's only one question left: Who abducted, drugged and memory-wiped Raffy?

After all this, some people wouldn't believe a baseball player if he said Niagara Falls was wet. And I'm one of them.

Honestly, have you ever come across a bigger bunch of deceitful, mealy-mouthed liars this side of vinyl-siding salesmen? How can a guy have the courage to stand in against a 95-mph fastball aimed at his head yet be so gutless that he can't fess up when caught red-urined?

And you know who lets them get away with lying? Baseball writers. Hardly any Hall of Fame voters have the stones to stand up and say, "These guys cheated. I'm not voting them into the Hall of Fame." Instead, many of them puff out their chests and say, "That's it. I'm fed up. I'm not voting for them on the first ballot."