"Guess what I just bought on eBay!" he says. "Your football card!"
"Oh, crap," I moan.
"Guess how much I paid?"
"Please don't tell me."
"One cent? Who sells anything for one cent?"
"Well, he got me for $3 shipping."
So between my brother and my kids, a good bit of the glory was gone by the time a box of 750 cards came. Secretly, it was a minithrill, except there were no stats or cartoon on the back of my card. You know? Like, on the old cards, they'd have Jim Taylor's yards per carry, plus a funny drawing of him getting pulled through the water by a fish with the caption, Jim once caught an 800-pound marlin!
Of course, what were they going to put on mine? My adjectives per paragraph? And maybe a drawing of me, sitting stubble-faced at a laptop, with a bottle of Dewar's and a blank balloon over my head? Rick's drinking tends to worsen with writer's block!
I autographed 250 cards and sent them back, and Donruss sprinkled them among the other 1,000 they printed and put in packs of NFL cards. Can't you see some kid paying $2.99, hoping for Michael Vick (worth as much as $1,600 signed) and getting me instead? No wonder there's so much youth violence today.