Won't Tiger be
psyched to be paired with him?
That's the other
thing: Tiger. He's the No. 1 player in the world by a light year, the Golfing
Gladiator. Until he goes to Ryder Cups, and then he suddenly becomes Dead Man
He mopes around
like a husband in couples therapy, only he talks to his partner less. It may
the only thing he sucks at. His Ryder record is 7-11-2, and no wonder. He
wasn't wired for team play. He trusts nobody. Why should he buddy up with
people he's been trained to swallow in two bites or less? The hangman doesn't
play on the prison softball team. Lions don't room with lambs.
Yet every two years
all the U.S. players seem to take their Stepford cue from Woods. They all play
as though they have to put their shirts back in the boxes when they're done. Of
the 12 guys on this year's team, nine have a losing Ryder record or no record
at all. You know who's got a great Ryder Cup record on the U.S. team? Tom
Lehman (5-3-2), Corey Pavin (8-5) and Loren Roberts (3-1). Only problem is,
they're the coaches!
This thing needs a
readjust. We've lost seven of the last 10. Can't they at least give us
Only eight players
on the American team are in the Top 50 in the world. The Euros have 10, and
they've still got two captain's picks left. They have the same group of
partyers that has been popping U.S. corks for 10 years now: Olaz�bal, Garc�a,
Harrington, probably Westwood and Clarke. Nothing changes every two years
except the site of the execution.
They'll outplay us
and outguzzle us and outwhoop us, and at the end, while the American players
are slinking back to their jets, the Euros will be swan diving off the TV tower
into a swimming pool full of Guinness.
And I'll be there
with me straw.
I'm them now. I've
joined the champagne-swilling side. I'm more European than pay toilets. I wear
kneesocks with sandals and drink Beaujolais at 10 a.m. and never read a
newspaper that doesn't have a naked girl in it. And if you don't like it, you
can bugger off.
Wait. Excuse me?
You say all true Euros love Monty?