I like warm beer
and hairy-legged women. I drive a car so small, you could park it in the glove
compartment of a Hummer. I enjoy funny brown cigarettes in the loo.
That's because, as
of now, I am officially a European.
I have turned
European because I'm bloody sick of the U.S. getting the haggis stomped out of
it by the Euros in these Ryder Cup golf matches.
Every two years the
Euros dye their hair and smoke their cigars and get drunk and wave their blue
Euro flags and beat us like Dickens' orphans, then sing songs
shoulder-to-shoulder and laugh and dance on the clubhouse roof and wave their
private parts in our general direction.
No more. I'm a Euro
now. Changed my passport and everything. I like real football now, not fat guys
in helmets. I no longer see the point in regular dental checkups. I tan by
40-watt bulbs. I eat tatties and neeps in my flat and see what's on the telly.
Ooh, brilliant! It's Bean!
considering turning Euro for a few years now, but on Monday, when the American
team was announced for next month's Ryder Cup in Ireland, it ripped me
knittin', as we say down at the pub.
Have you seen the
U.S. team? It has all the intimidation power of the Liechtenstein navy. It
would have a hard time beating the Winnetka Country Club ladies' B team. It's
the single worst squad we've ever taken to a Ryder Cup, and that's saying
something, considering the last batch got pummeled 18 1/2 -9 1/2.
definitely be the underdog," Phil Mickelson says. "You lose four of the
last five Cups, you're the underdog."
This outfit would
be the underdog to a stiff breeze. Or do Brett Wetterich, Zach Johnson, J.J.
Henry and Vaughn Taylor make your timbers shiver? It sounds like somebody's
Webelos troop. None of those four have ever played in a Ryder Cup before. Three
of them missed the cut at last week's PGA, and Henry finished 41st.
missed five cuts in his last eight starts. You look at him and think, Was he my
waiter at Olive Garden last night? If he wasn't, he will be soon.