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This Is a No-Brainer
Rick Reilly
September 13, 2004
In America's unending effort to make the life of a college football player easier than that of an oil sheik's cat, schools are now giving players college credit simply for being on the team.
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September 13, 2004

This Is A No-brainer

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Subject Matter: Each student will finish the class with a commanding expertise in many disciplines.

Week 1: The Alibi and You

Week 2: Making the Most of Your Mug Shot

Week 3: The Language of Boosters For instance, when a booster says, "Son, I'd like you to be my accounting intern next summer," what he means is, "Son, the only counting you're going to be doing is Benjies in a FedEx envelope."

Week 4: Party Smarty For instance, a student always needs to know how far the drop is from the bathroom window to the garden.

Week 5: Math seminar When I say, "Make two lines," I don't want a bunch of head scratching. After that, the only damn subject I want to talk about is you jokers getting enough wins to get me into Augusta National.

Points System: Against Notre Dame? I'd take us and the points. But that's just me.

Grades: The instructor gets an $800,000 bonus if he graduates 50% of his players any year, so if you think I'm flunking you, you're crazier than a glue-sniffing wombat. I grade on the curb: All you have to do is drive up in your Escalade and I'll give you your A through the window.

Grading Scale:

100%--11%.... A

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