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HEY, DUDE, haven't had a date since the Fig Festival 12 years ago? Are you about as cool as a Bob Dole bumper sticker? Do girls walk by you like you're running a seminar on jock itch?
Buddy, your worries are over. Tom Brady, coolest man on the planet, has volunteered to be your new cool coach.
You know Tom Brady, right? Three-time Super Bowl--winning quarterback of the New England Patriots? Esquire's Best Dressed Man in the World in 2007? Boyfriend of $33 million-a-year Brazilian supermodel Gisele B�ndchen, whom Rolling Stone called "the most beautiful girl in the world"? Former sweetheart of meltingly hot Hollywood starlet Bridget Moynahan?
"You want me to help guys be cool?" Brady asks, after I tell him the deal. "Why me? I was the little sports nerd in high school who hardly ever had a girlfriend!"
The guy must have no mirrors in the house.
Six-four with a chin you can crack coconuts on. Eyes greener than the 13th at Augusta. And one of those oh-darn-I-forgot-to-shave-and-now-I-look-like-a-cologne-ad beards. But it's not his heroic arm or his lifeguard body or his Crest smile that makes women smooth their skirts and men curse their parents. It's that he seems to see himself as a tall Milhouse.
"I get so embarrassed having everybody looking at me," he says. "I just want to stop and go, 'What are you staring at?' "
"I mean, I'm just walking out the door, you know? And people follow me! I have to disguise myself now. I never go out without a hoodie on. My head is always down! I never make eye contact anymore! It's like I'm not even myself!"
True to yourself. Check.