A Hall Greater Than The Sum Of Its Parts

Pittsburgh Steelers star Ben Roethlisberger has his appendix removed, and you ask, "When will he be back?" Whereas I ask, "How much you want for it?"

This is because you are looking at America's No. 1 collector of the missing, removed or replacement body parts of famous athletes. In fact, I'm the curator of the Body Parts Hall of Fame and Diner. Our motto: Hey, it won't cost you an arm and a leg!

You want to take the tour?

This is our signature room, with the famous of the famous. There's Tommy John's elbow ligament. The spleen that Peter Forsberg ruptured in the 2001 playoffs. In the pickle jar there is Mickey Mantle's first liver. 'Course, it was pickled before it went in the jar! Hah! We love to kid around here!

Let's see ... Leon Spinks's two front teeth (we're surprising him for Christmas), Alonzo Mourning's bad kidney. Here's the three false teeth that Bobby Hull auctioned off in Quebec in 2004, the ones he says were lost "during a bedroom romp in a Geneva, Switzerland, hotel." O.K., ewww.

What else? You wanna see Ted Williams's head? I've got it in the freezer. No?

O.K., now we come to a very popular exhibit--Testicles. The kids call it Ball Hall. Lots of athletes are an egg short, but some of them never get over losing one. John Kruk visits his a lot.

Get a lot of horse racing fans in here, too, just to see what they snipped off Funny Cide and John Henry. And over here is what we call the junk room, on account of we've got tennis pro Renee Richard's junk in here, from when she was still Richard Raskind. A lot of people really--Hey! Fido! Put that down!

O.K., moving on.... Here's the Wing wing. Nothin' but arms. Here's the forearm that mountain climber Aron Ralston had to saw off with a pocketknife to set himself free from a boulder. One-armed St. Louis Browns outfielder Pete Gray's other arm is next to it. And here's a wild one. It's the right arm of the great bare-knuckle fighter Daniel Donnelly. What happened was, a surgeon bought him as a cadaver, realized who he was, sawed the right arm off and mummified it. Be a funny back scratcher, right?

You wanna give me the finger? I'll take it! Here's Mordecai (Three Finger) Brown's other two. Here's the chunk Boston Celtics guard Gerald Green plays without. Ooh, here's a good one. After one disastrous North Pole trip, explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes couldn't stand the pain in the frostbitten fingers of his left hand, so he took a vise and microsaw and lopped off the tips. Hey, saved an HMO copay, right?