Some High, Hard Ones
Steve Rushin
September 19, 2005
We've all seen those lists of life's most vexing questions, such as: Why do drive-through ATMs have instructions in Braille? How does Teflon stick to the pan? If you choke a Smurf, what color will he turn? But with a single exception--Why is it called a foul pole when it's in fair territory?--the unanswerable sports questions never get asked. Until now.
If Who's on first, Who's your daddy and Who let the dogs out, my question is, Where does Who find the time?
Do one-dimensional teams always look good on paper?
Why do tennis players, alone among famous athletes, serve as their own equipment managers--stuffing sweaty shirts, towels and rackets into gym bags after matches, then lugging it all out of the stadium by themselves? Mozart wasn't a piano mover. Julia Child didn't bus her own dishes. Tiger doesn't loop for himself. But Andre Agassi's first act at 1:09 a.m. after winning a five-set U.S. Open thriller last week was to pack. (While America slept, Agassi schlepped.)
Which is faster: sudden death or instant replay? (And if you watched sudden death in instant replay, would you travel back in time?)
In baseball why do the take sign and the steal sign mean two different things entirely? And if the other team steals your take sign, is it hypocritical to complain?
Why, in this digital age, are bullpens the last refuge of the wall-mounted telephone, the kind with 40 feet of spiraled cord that your sister used to twirl in her fingers while monopolizing the line for hours on end?
Do synchronized swimmers always give 220%?
And why do those professional athletes who claim that they always give 110% only tip 8%?
What did former Reds outfielder Cesar Geronimo yell when jumping out of an airplane?
If bicycles race in a velodrome, what races in a palindrome? Kayaks?

