If I Ruled The World

The NHL has shiny new rules to boost scoring. The Royal & Ancient just made 111 changes to the Rules of Golf. Baseball promises to change its steroid suspension rules, from tickling to lashes with fettuccini.

Sure. Fine. Wonderful. But nobody ever changes the rules that really need fixing.

Until now.

Therefore, by the power vested in me by my bartender, the following are decreed, from this day forward:

?Athletes who chew tobacco shall swallow, not spit.

?A parent must be able to defeat his kid in a sport, lefthanded, before screaming advice at him during the game.

?No one shall take more than 60 seconds to sing the national anthem. And no torturing the notes. You ain't Mariah Carey.

?Cities that build lavish stadiums for their pro teams must rank among the nation's top 10 cities in per-pupil education spending. Until then, the damn tycoons can build their own palaces.

?Oh, and stadiums shall have no more than one name in a 10-year period. You sold it to Thong.com, you live with it.

?High fives and fist bumps shall no longer be permitted to celebrate a) fantasy-league performances; b) replacing the fan belt successfully; or c) getting a waitress's phone number.