Went on Oprah the other day. It's true. All I can figure is she thought I was Pat Riley. Like I'm going to set her straight?
The show was called Why Do Men Go to Strip Clubs? And Other Burning Questions. Jay Leno, singer Brian McKnight and I were dragged onto her stage in front of hundreds of seething women and made to answer for our gender.
You remember the scene from Hitchcock's The Birds? When the guy tiptoes through thousands of birds who are ready to tear out his pancreas at the slightest misstep? That's what the Oprah set was like.
Why do men go to strip shows so much? a woman would bark. (My answer: "I only go once a year, to look at the new fall line of shoes.") Or Why don't men cuddle after sex? ("Much too hot.") And What do men think about after sex? ("Is Subway open this late?") Suffice it to say, my pancreas was living on borrowed time.
The problem was, we never got to the show that Oprah should have done: Why Do Men Obsess So Damn Much about Sports That Women Want to Clamp Their Noses in Curling Irons? I'll open it up for questions now.
Q: Why can my husband discuss the Vikings for two hours but us for only two minutes?
A: Men like things simple. Black/white. Win/lose. But relationships are gray/slippery. Not once has a ref brought the two coaches together and said, "While it's true you won 49-0, I felt the way you treated him in the third quarter was a projection of your own insecurities, so, actually, you lose and he wins. Shower up."
Q: Why do baseball players touch their groins with the same frequency as Michael Jackson?
A: When Randy Johnson's 97-mph fastball is about to be hurled at you, you tend to check and secure your valuables.
Q: Why did my husband cry when the Red Sox won the Series but not at our wedding?