Also, they lay
down those chalk lines every night, right? Why couldn't one of them read run to
first (national bank)? And I don't want anybody sliding home. I want them
sliding into a Richmond home.
We need to
monetize those mascots, too. The San Diego Chicken? Why not the Perdue Chicken?
And you say Mr. Met? I say Mr. Clean.
football. Get ready, Al Michaels. He's across the 50! Past the Colt 45! What a
move at the Century 21! To the 9 Lives line! The Motel 6! The One-der Bread! Do
you believe in Miracle Whip? Yes!
Every crook and
nanny must have an ad on it. I want Crest ads across the front of mouth guards
and Gillette Fusion across chin straps. Every referee's penalty flag should be
a Black Flag (because obviously there are bugs in the system).
There are plenty
of opportunities in basketball too. Let's have UNICEF stamped on every free
throw line in every arena. Make it a real charity stripe! (That'll get the
do-gooders off our backs.) And let's sign up Sherwin-Williams to sponsor the
We can make a
lot of jack on everything, even the rule book. From now on, when the ref calls
an offensive foul in the NBA, it's not a charge, it's a Discover charge. If a
player walks, the call is " Kobe Bryant, Travelocity. Celtics ball." In
the NFL, I want the refs to emerge from their cocooned TVs and announce, Upon
further review, HDTV is the only way to watch the game!
We've got to
think out of the box here, people! Any emotional moment can bring in large
stackable dollars! When an injured NFL player is wheeled off the field in one
of those carts, let's pay 50 grand to any one of them who'll look in the camera
and say through his tears: "For the ride of your life, trust Michelin
tires!" And when they haul a poor boxer out of the ring on a stretcher, it
should say on the bottom of one shoe hope he has and on the other blue
And golf could
be a gold mine. From here on in, golfers will tap in for their Parkay, show up
for their Lipton tee times and blast out of Denny's fried-egg lies.
alone is enough to make a Madison Avenue man drool. Blank white caddie
overalls? Get a Cadillac logo on them! Beautiful azalea-filled golf course with
no houses on it? Who wouldn't want a six-bedroom Tudor at 1200 Amen Corner? And
at the end of the toon-a-mint, couldn't one of those old Southern gentlemen
turn to the winner and say, "Son, it's my great pleasure to present you
with the green jacket, part of the Sears Johnny Miller collection."
Hey, that's how
things are now. I accept it. It's just part of the Life of Reilly (Insured by