Should your brain pack up and move to Pluto, leaving you to volunteer for Jeff Burton's NASCAR pit crew, as I did, here are the actual, helpful safety tips they will give you, no joke:
1. When on fire, don't panic.
2. If a tire comes at your face, try to block it with your arm.
3. Should a race car flip at 150 miles per hour and hurtle toward the pit, be sure to run.
Burton's pit crew enjoys making rookies so scared their spleens run up their throats and out their mouths.
"He's gonna be a Gas Runner, right?" Burton said at a team meeting before Sunday's Checker Auto Parts 500 at the Phoenix International Raceway. (Yes, I was, though I had no idea what the hell one did.) "Anybody show him pictures of the last Gas Runner we had?"
Burton and his crew know disasters because they've been in more of them than Anderson Cooper. Gas Man Larry (the Legend) Hartle--he shoves the 81-pound fuel cans into Burton's Chevy--caught fire last year at Michigan. As five teammates pounded on his prostrate body to try to snuff out the flames, Larry remembers thinking, Man, I must really be on fire!
Shock Man Skip Pope didn't have to guess. He knew. He was in the garage just a week ago when a tailpipe belched a plume of fire, turning his arms and legs into tiki torches. "I didn't enjoy it all that much," he said, surprisingly.
Oh, and the team's Jack Man, Josh Yost, nearly had his right foot sliced off when Rusty Wallace's car clipped him. Six months later Yost still can't work in the pit nor has he regained the feeling in his foot.
All of which made me ask the question, "Excuse me [nervously clearing throat]? But [sweaty brow] what exactly [cough, cough] does a Gas Runner do?"