I believe baseball commissioner Bud Selig really is going to get something done about steroids this time, and not just because six MVP seasons since 1996 now look more suspicious than carnival-stand diamonds.
I believe the players' union bosses when they say they really are concerned about the health of the players, not just the health of their portfolios, even though they block effective steroid testing at nearly every turn. In fact, if players start dying, I'm sure they'll start a flower fund.
I believe ESPN baseball analyst Tim Kurkjian is right for saying Bonds would still be voted into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot, while adding, "but that's not to condone anything." I also believe in rehabbing peeping toms by locking them up in Carmen Electra's house, but that's not to condone anything.
I believe Bonds should go straight to the Hall of Fame, too, even though I know that he's a cheater and that the second half of his career was as phony as Cheez Whiz. Hey, at least he didn't cheat like Pete Rose by betting on his team several times to win. Now that will kill a sport.
And I believe track star Marion Jones when she insists she never took a steroid, even though Conte has said that he hooked her up with everything but liquid Drano and saw her inject human growth hormones into her quad. Hey, Conte's old and wears glasses. Maybe it was some other statuesque three-time Olympic gold medalist.
And I believe Jones should be able to keep all her medals and Bonds all his MVP awards because it will give them something to hang on their cell walls if they perjured themselves in front of a grand jury.
And I believe Sammy Sosa would've gotten tested for steroids that day, in July 2002, I invited him to go to a private lab. He freaked out only because he thought I wanted to check his bats, too.
And I believe Ron Artest never meant to hurt anybody, Notre Dame didn't really want Urban Meyer, and that wasn't Carmelo Anthony's weed in his backpack.
And I believe reindeer fly, President Clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman, and Rogaine really can regrow your hair.
Now, if you'll kindly move out of the way, I believe I'm about to get sick.