Announces Stringent Drug-Testing Policy
BEACH, FLA.-- PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem today announced a tough new
policy on performance-enhancing drugs that will go into effect in 2013, the
year after he retires. "We want to give this important issue the careful
and thorough deliberation it deserves," said Finchem. "Unlike that
grandstanding little hussy Carolyn Bivens, we felt it was important not to rush
into a decision simply to mollify the nattering nabobs in the press."
The Tour's policy
will be unique in that it will not use blood or urine testing, which the
commissioner considers "too yucky." Instead, to determine violations,
the Tour will rely primarily on locker-room gossip. "We think this
preserves the time-honored tradition of players policing themselves, which is
integral to the fabric of our game," said Finchem.
The Tour will
also place a drop box in every clubhouse, allowing the players to narc on one
another. Although the process will be anonymous, Tour staff will monitor the
drop box to guarantee that Tom Pernice is limited to three submissions per
In keeping with
the Tour's long-standing tradition, any fines or suspensions will be kept
strictly confidential to ensure maintenance of the sport's squeaky-clean image,
John Daly notwithstanding. The public can rest assured that sanctions will be
"swift and merciless," according to the commissioner. The penalty
violation will result in a $100 fine and a snarky phone call from the
commissioner, who will grouse about potentially negative publicity.
violation will result in a sternly worded letter from one of the Tour's vice
presidents, although which one is still undetermined, as even the Tour has
trouble keeping track of them all.
?Upon the third
violation, the player will be forced to play in every Fall Series event that
year. "We know this is a drastic measure," Finchem said, "but the
policy has to have some teeth to be effective."