As every fan knows, college football coaches' shows are among the most boring on television. The coaches speak in platitudes, the hosts act like trained seals and the players who are interviewed, well, you know, they have trouble, you know, saying what they think. Still, the shows have become a football institution. And somebody must be watching, because almost every major-college coach in America has a show.
To mark the start of the season, we've invented our own program. The Barry Banal Show, hosted by the agreeable Sid Saccharine. The show is brought to you at 9:30 on Sunday morning by Sunshine Crisp potato chips and Wahoo Cola. Today's guest is Backwater U's star tailback, fleet-footed Obsequious Johnson.
SID: Well, Coach, 1984 was a tough year for the Backwater German Shepherds. We went 0-11, but a lot of games could have gone either way. I'm sure you and all of our fans out there are really excited about this great new season.
COACH: That's right, Sid. It's a new season, we're going to give 110 percent, and we've got some real fine football players. That's the key, fine football players. I've always said that if you have fine football players, you'll have a fine football team and a real fine football season.
SID: Coach, how about a sip of ice-cold Wahoo Cola? And we can munch on some fresh Sunshine Crisp potato chips while we look at highlights from last year's big game against the Hogbellies.
COACH: Sid, this is where we rallied in the fourth quarter only to lose 51-14. It was a great effort, but they were just too fine a football team for us that particular day.... Mmmm, this Wahoo Cola sure quenches your thirst, don't it?
SID: It sure does, Coach. What will it take for us here at Backwater to build a program like the Hogbellies have?
COACH: Well, Sid, as you know, it takes a long time to build that kind of football program. Right now they have a lot more talented football players than we do. But to be honest, they can get some guys in school who don't meet our high academic standards.
SID: After the Hogbellies pulled away, weren't you wisely building for the future by giving our backup people some valuable playing time?
COACH: Exactly right, Sid, but we call our backups "alternates" here at BU. See No. 61 making that hit? He's gonna be a real fine football player. He calls himself Super Sub. That means he goes in there and makes super plays! [Coach and Sid chuckle over the play on words.]