You Gotta Have Heartburn

3. BOSTON RED SOX—You may climb the wall if you bite into a dog here. Its not-quite-cooked quality will give you the impression it's about to do something unnerving—like sit up. As for the buns, if they contain any fiber, it's gotta be rayon.

4. DETROIT TIGERS—Tiger Stadium is one of the oldest ball parks in the major leagues—and the food is obviously left over from that first Opening Day in 1912. The franks are stale, the mustard is brown when it shouldn't be. Pack a lunch.

5. SAN DIEGO PADRES—Mealy, mushy hot dogs that disintegrate on sight, congealed condiments and nacho chips that are covered with pasteurized rubber cement. Altogether, about as appealing as a stomachache.