Where Have You Gone, Sonny Jurgensen?

7. NICKNAMES. Quarterbacks were always referred to as "field generals." When was the last time you heard that? But it's just as well the phrase has gone out of fashion. Otherwise we'd have field corporals or field spec fours.

8. THE TWO-MINUTE DRILL RUINED IT FOR EVERYBODY. Once we found out that all quarterbacks can lead all teams 87 yards in the last two minutes, everybody wanted to know why they didn't do that stuff during the first 58.

Oh, well, wake me up when the quarterback is back. Football needs him more than ever, because there are all these hordes of people playing, interchangeable parts on every play, uniformed Cabbage Patchers. At least, if there aren't any quarterbacks left, I'll settle for a Triple Threat for a while.

1 From the same school of etymology that brought us "educated toes."

2 Lefthanders are never fully accepted as quarterbacks because, as you know, in the southern hemisphere the water spins down the drain the opposite way.

3 See also: accurate arm, educated toe.