What You See, You Get

O.K., Dr. Rorschach, we need your help. We've been trying to devise a scientific method to determine which conference plays the best collegiate football. We already have thrown out the MAC, the PCAA and the ACC, the Southland, Southern and Missouri Valley, for the same reason the Pepsi Challenge never includes Sun-drop cola. Besides, they all sound like names of railroads. Then we dumped the Ivy Group because those schools just aren't serious enough—let Merrill Lynch evaluate them. You agree, don't you? Then we took the rest of them and asked some penetrating questions like: Who is Norman Oklahoma and why? What do Arizona and Arizona State have to do with the Pacific Ocean? Would the Pop Warner League get more respect if it lured Northwestern away from the Big Ten? We called the NCAA to get some numbers—you need numbers for this sort of duty—and we ran the whole mess through our computer. But all it spit out were these curious-looking inkblots. We thought if anyone could make something of them, Dr. Rorschach, it would be you.

For instance, here is the blot that came out on the Big Ten. What do you see?

"A 280-pound man named Kowalski pushing at a 285-pound man also named Kowalski."

Ah, very perceptive. Look at this one. The Big Eight. What comes to mind with this one?

"Skinny black man with kerchief on head pulling covered wagon."

Southwest?

" Turkey's wishbone. This is extremely boring."

Western Athletic Conference?

"Mmmmm. Either the Mormon Tabernacle Choir throwing coconuts or the exercise yard at San Quentin."

Pac-10?