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The question, I admit, is purely rhetorical. I have been told again and again that if I don't want a shower bath and a drink I should change my shoes in the Fosbroke Alcove, but how am I to do so? Would Old Tim ever find my shoes if I left them there? The answer is, he would not. The only way to keep clothing and equipment safe at Happy Knoll is to put them firmly under lock and key, as are mine in locker 67. I am sorry to spoil the fun in front of locker 67, but I must get to it sometimes, and it is not my fault that a certain Happy Knoll member collided with my key while it was in the lock and scratched his torso severely while demonstrating the follow-through he made on the difficult 10th. If there has been any complaint to the Board of Governors regarding this incident, I too must complain that there are other danger factors in the locker room besides keys. Only yesterday, when arriving from the links, I stepped upon a number of ice cubes that had been accidentally dropped in the corridor by Old Ned. These became impaled upon my golfing spikes so that I slid a considerable distance, finally lost my balance and fell. This accident only caused our club nudists merriment instead of concern. In fact, Old Ned was too convulsed to be able to help me up.
gentlemen, is not a complaint; rather it is an invitation. Why does not your
committee drop into the locker room at 6 o'clock some afternoon and hear some
poorly told off-color stories, see some horrible physiques and slip on some ice
yourselves? If you did, perhaps you would agree with me that any change would
be for the better.
Letter from Mr. Benjamin Carrow to the Board of Governors of the Happy Knoll Country Club.
It may have been the fault of our crowd that we laughed, as did Old Ned and Old Tim who were present at the time, hustling a few bourbons on the rocks. But what were we to do instead? Cry? And who can avoid laughing at those things? Remember the old vaudeville days? I still think a good bump on the rear furnishes the best surefire entertainment in the world. Anyway, he did not hurt himself, or if he did, it is only because he eats too much wheat germ and too much saccharin in his coffee and nothing else. Anyway, as he intimated, the ice cubes were definitely not put there for him to step upon on purpose. The locker room gang may play jokes like that on ourselves, but never on outsiders. Why, frequently ice cubes get slithering around the locker room by accident, and twice on leaving the showers to get back to the bourbon in good old Alcove C, I have stepped on them myself, barefoot. And in this connection, let me tell you just for the laugh the good line Old Ned got off the last time I did so. He said it isn't everybody who is able to slide on ice in summer. Honestly, gentlemen, you cannot beat Old Ned. He is a jewel, and all the gang would be glad to die for him. You never did a wiser thing than move him from the bar where his talents were wasted, serving the quarrelsome stuffed shirts who seem to congregate in that place.
letter is not intended only to explain that you mustn't mind anything that
Mosser says about what he calls "conditions" in the locker room. This
epistle also comes from the whole gang to convey to you gentlemen our
congratulations. The Happy Knoll locker room is, in my opinion, the finest
locker room I have ever seen anywhere and I've seen plenty in my day, beginning
at Princeton where I used to do the 100-yard dash (I've put on weight since
then). There is, in my opinion, a real philosophy behind locker rooms and you
gentlemen have had the wisdom to catch it. There aren't many places left in
this tough world where a gang can get together with a little turkish toweling
around its middle and relax and indulge in a good old gab fest. Well, we've got
it here at Happy Knoll, and those two old princes, Ned and Tim, give just the
right atmosphere. Get out of a hot shower and Ned always has the bourbon ready
and it's like college days again. I'm 50 years young now every time I play a
round of golf. Gentlemen, don't change anything in the locker room, and with my
congratulations I want to offer you an invitation. Come down and join us
sometime around fivish, sixish or even sevenish and we'll show you what a good
time really is. It's about time we had a testimonial party for the Board of