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THE NAME IS LEGION or, NO BOUQUETS FOR THE SOBRIQUETS
Ogden Nash
September 23, 1957
Football is a game on which ingenuity is lavished to the point of prodigality, But there are two departments in which it is woefully lacking in originality. One is its songs which monotonously assault the gray autumn heavens, And the other is its nicknames for the various college armies, or, as they are misleadingly termed, elevens.
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September 23, 1957

The Name Is Legion Or, No Bouquets For The Sobriquets

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Football is a game on which ingenuity is lavished to the point of prodigality,
But there are two departments in which it is woefully lacking in originality.
One is its songs which monotonously assault the gray autumn heavens,
And the other is its nicknames for the various college armies, or, as they are misleadingly termed, elevens.

The songs we may leave on the shelf.

They are so alike that they remind me of the offspring of an amoeba which has endlessly reproduced simply by splitting up itself,
But that the unoriginality of nicknames is a menace I have come to the firm conclusion,
Because not only duplication is vexation but on the sports pages it leads to chaos and confusion.

A man reads that Tigers eye unbeaten season, and he has to rummage through the Tiger storehouse,
Which Tigers is it, Auburn, Clemson, Colorado College, DePauw, Doane, Grambling, Louisiana State, Memphis State, University of Missouri, Occidental, College of Pacific, Princeton, St. Paul's Poly, Sewanee, Tennessee A&I, Trinity U., or Morehouse?

He further reads that the Bulldogs hope to twist the Tiger's tail;
Well, which Bulldogs, Alabama A&M, Butler University, Citadel, Drake, Fresno State, University of Georgia, Louisiana Poly, South Carolina State College, or Yale?

The consensus of experts picks the Wildcats, but on whom do you place a bet with your friendly neighborhood bookman,
Abilene Christian College, University of Arizona, Chico State, Davidson, Fort Valley, Kansas State, University of Kentucky, Linfield, Northwestern, Villanova, Wiley, or Bethune-Cookman?

Perhaps there is another forecast more to your likings,
Indians favored over Vikings.
Try to pick that one out on your piana;
It can mean that either Adams State College or Arkansas State or Dartmouth or Juniata or Mankato State Teachers or Midwestern or The University of Omaha or Stanford or William and Mary is reckoned stronger than either Lawrence or Upsala or Augustana.

Do you prefer the Cardinals? The puzzlement still is cruel,
Which Cardinals do you prefer, those of the University of Louisville, North Central, Otterbein, Wesleyan, or William Jewell?
And how about the Panthers and their kin and kith?
You have your choice between the Panthers of Iowa State Teachers, Middlebury, The University of Pittsburgh, Prairie View A&M, and Philander Smith.

My patience is breaking down, and my patience is not easily breakable;
I shall devote my loyalty to two teams whose nicknames are unique and unmistakable.
When I am told that the Kohawks are tangling with the Zips my disposition becomes sweeter than saccharin;
I need no reference book to know that Coe College faces The University of Akron.

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