A Do-gooder Who's Doing Good

Penitent: There's only one left, Father, but it's the worst of all. I harbored evil thoughts regarding another man.

Padre: Aha! Now it looks as though we're getting somewhere. What was the, ummm, nature of these evil thoughts, my son?

Penitent: I wished physical harm to a fellow football player. It was as I was falling asleep the night before the Denver game. I was just dozing off, when suddenly I had this hateful vision. Lyle Alzado had blasted through the pass-blocking and was coming for me. I was back in the shotgun, but I couldn't get my arm cocked. It was like some devil was clinging to my elbow—you know the feeling, Father. Well, just before he hits me, Lyle steps on this banana peel and skids and dislocates his shoulder.

(Long pause; long priestly sigh.)

Padre: I'm afraid you haven't made it yet, my son, not even to the minor leagues. That's just the instinct for survival. You're about as evil as a first communicant. For your penance, go forth and try to be less perfect.

In this age of the public confessional, when a touch of naughtiness is as much a part of a superstar quarterback's persona as a strong throwing arm or a glib tongue on camera, perfection may indeed be Roger Staubach's only failing. Recognizing this failing in their leading man, the Dallas Cowboys are quick to tell a visiting reporter about Roger's "sense of humor." "He's the Good Humor Man," they say. Yes indeedy, ol' Rog has done some pretty rascally things in his day. Like the time he rode a camel.

Wow, far out! Where did he ride it—into some Arab oil sheikh's harem?

Uh, no, it was for a charitable cause. The Paul Anderson Youth Home, one of Roger's favorite charities, was screening the film Hawmps as part of a fund-raising drive, and they got Rog to straddle a dromedary for a promo film. It was a heck of a sight, though. Couldn't tell who was more serious, the camel or the QB.

Then there was the time he drove in a demolition derby. He could hardly get hurt, you see, because the cars are all beefed up with roll cages and padding....

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