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MY RELUCTANT RETRIEVER
David Morine
September 17, 1990
Percy hated hunting, but he gave squirrels fits
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September 17, 1990

My Reluctant Retriever

Percy hated hunting, but he gave squirrels fits

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An elderly friend once told me, "Everyone is entitled to one good dog." I buried mine two years ago. He was 14.

Actually, Percy wasn't mine. He much preferred my wife, and for good reason. Ruth was the one who turned my golden retriever into a pampered pet. She fed him three times a day, usually right from the table. She brushed him. She chauffeured him around. It made no difference if he was covered with mud, had rolled in manure or had just picked over a well-seasoned road kill. Percy sat right up front, with his head out the window.

We purchased Percy in the summer of 1974. He was the pick of the litter, a little ball of fluff who soon matured into a classic golden. Percy was perfect of his breed except for one—better make that two-things. First, he was sterile. When we told the breeder, she insisted on giving us half our money back. "You only got half a dog," she said with obvious disappointment. I never felt that way. Unlike most goldens, Percy had no urge to roam, which undoubtedly contributed to his longevity: No trucks come through our backyard.

Percy loved to retrieve balls: tennis balls, baseballs, softballs, anything he could get into his mouth. But he only retrieved for recreation; that was the second exception to his breed. Percy rejected retrieving as a profession right from the start. The first time I fired a gun over his head, he looked at me in terror and ran straight to Ruth. The first time I introduced Percy to water, he waded out stomach-deep, floated for a second and then paddled back to terra firma. And the first time I put him onto a live bird, he missed the point.

In truth, as a house dog Percy wasn't much better. Though I specifically banned him from the living room, almost every morning I would find him asleep on the couch. And though I specifically banned him from upstairs, almost every night I would catch him asleep on our bed.

There are many Percy stories. Most of them are about things he did wrong, the things all retrievers do wrong, such as fighting with skunks, porcupines and other dogs, or stealing pies, turkeys and hams people had left outside to cool. But the time he got into real trouble was one of the rare moments when he did what he was told.

We, like all people who feed birds, have a squirrel problem. Our problem is aggravated by the fact that I actually enjoy watching our squirrels outmaneuver the "squirrel-proof" feeders. I admire creativity, ingenuity and persistence, and there is nothing as creative, ingenious and persistent as a squirrel around a freshly filled feeder.

As a professional conservationist, however, I became concerned when our squirrels turned into a bunch of fat, lazy freeloaders. They had lost all interest in collecting nuts and were living almost exclusively on the dole. I don't like upsetting the balance of nature, so I appointed Percy the official watchdog of the feeder. Percy was touched. He took his job very seriously.

Over the years, our routine never changed. At first light, Percy would thump upstairs, where he was not allowed, and nuzzle us until we got out of bed. Then we would follow him to the sliding glass door in the kitchen. There were always at least half a dozen squirrels plundering the feeder out back.

Percy would bark and jump up and down. He was ready to go to work. At that point, we would tap the glass, open the door and watch the fun. The squirrels would be off and running at the first tap. Percy would burst through the door after them. In his younger days, he would actually shinny two or three feet up the big beech tree to which the squirrels always retreated. Thanks to our warning, there was no way that Percy could make a kill. But he never lost heart; the next morning, he would be upstairs nuzzling us and ready to go.

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