Sure Cures

But none of this had anything to do with Carnac's right-hand stuff. We were getting desperate. One day, after shooting a phone number, we ordered up the SHANKPROOF WEDGE from Barber-Goldentouch Golf Inc. in California. The first thing the lady said is, "Did you have a bad round today?" No, lady. We just shot 69 and couldn't wait to get to the nearest phone and order up a Shankproof Wedge.

We also ordered some MASTER'S GRIP SPRAY, which is USGA legal and actually makes the grip cling to your hand better. We tried the SHOTMAKER GLOVE, which has a rib built into it for the club to fit into, but it hurts after about an hour of wearing (bogey). Kelly showed us a driver with wheels on the bottom and a 1940 advertisement that promised it "Prevents Schlaffing." For three weeks we worried about schlaffing and still don't know what it is.

We got New Age. ALPHASONICS, which sells subliminal tapes that promise everything from positive body image to weight control, also does golf. We picked "Putting Is Mental." The idea is you put the tape in and listen to the pleasant sounds of a babbling brook and the occasional cricket. But under the stream sounds are one million messages per hour telling you things like "I can make putts!" and "Putting is easy!" Our putting got no better, but then again, we got a little confused about which tape was which. Come to think of it, we did lose eight pounds.

We got high tech. We bought the ACTION TRACKER camera, which gives you four shots of your swing in one print. Unfortunately, the four photos are taken in about .1 of a second, so all you get is a backswing or a downswing, but not both. We even tried lasers. Lasertrack's PATHFINDER is a five-iron with a laser beam coming out of the top of the grip. As you take the club back, you keep the laser following the path to your target. Not a bad idea actually, but you can't see it outdoors, which is a problem. If Han Solo ever takes up golf, this is his club.

We got big into training devices and gave almost all of them double bogeys. The MERLIN is something that everybody wanted to pick up and couldn't wait to put down. It's an iron with a double handle that separates your hands. You never hit a shot with this thing. You just swing it and feel "the correct hand and shoulder rotation." We are not that desperate. Then we plunked down $80 for the SWING RING. The brochure sold us. "Golf's Greatest Teaching Aid!" it said. "A list of renown [sic] players now using the Swing Ring: 1. Bobby Heins, 2. Jim McClean, 3. Randy Erskine, 4. Lynn Janson." Really? You mean, Bobby Heins is using the Swing Ring! Order me a dozen! This thing is about as much fun as flossing. It's a ring made out of polypropylene tubing that can be adjusted to screw up your swing 100 different ways.

We even tried science. The RANGEFINDER, a hand-held viewer for figuring yardage to the pin, said, "Range your shots like an artillery officer." The nearest we could get to exact with this thing was somewhere between 100 and 200 yards. An artillery officer for Grenada perhaps.

We tried mainstream pro shops. The TOMMY ARMOUR E.Q.L. IRONS are all the same length, that of a six-iron. The idea is, one swing, one club length. Not bad.

We then found the WRIST LOCK. As everyone knows, the left is the hand that controls the golf swing, and this thing keeps you from bending the left wrist. We also found the HOOKER, which is endorsed by Calvin Peete. As everybody knows, the right hand is the hand that controls the golf swing, so this thing keeps you from bending the right wrist. Calvin Peete hits more fairways in one day than the Toro Company, so maybe there's something to it. The problem with the Hooker is it looks like a bowling apparatus, and smart alecks say things like, "We need a reset on lane 8." Forget them. This thing works. We hit 20 range balls, 15 of them straight as Marilyn Quayle. We make it a birdie.

O.K., now we were hitting the ball straight and long, but we had forgotten one crucial factor. Our putting. We were putting like someone in an iron lung.

"Bad path," was Carnac's short and, we might add, terse reply.