Fore! Don't Touch That Dial!

(G) 9:00 a.m. REN AND STIMPY
Cartoon. Ren and Stimpy take turns foreclosing on each other's country clubs in the wake of President Clinton's new tax proposals.

(G) 9:30 a.m. ALL-STAR WRESTLING
Paul Azinger versus Seve Ballesteros. Cage match; loser shaves head, leaves town.

(G) 10:00 a.m. BODY BY JACK
Daily calisthenics with golf legend Jack Nicklaus. Today, Jack takes you through a 30-minute routine you can do without getting out of the cart.

(G) 10:30 a.m. THE GOLF WRITERS
This week the panelists try to remember the last time they paid for a shirt.

(G) 11:30 a.m. WHITE LIKE KITE
Variety. Tom Kite, the world's whitest golfer, shows us how he has stayed completely tanless for more than 40 years. Highlight: Tom explains just how dangerous a 75-watt bulb can be.

(G) Noon TOURNAMENT
Live, practice-round coverage of the Nike Tour's Lubbock Basin Open from Lubbock Golf 'n' Gas in Lubbock, Texas. Jay Randolph and Gerald Ford report on any $5 Nassaus some of the guys might have going.

(G) 2:30 p.m. THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW
Today's topic: Women golfers with ball-retriever fetishes and the men who love them.

(G) 3:30 p.m. SEASON ON THE COUCH
Instruction. The King of Relaxation, Fred Couples, teaches you how to enjoy your afternoon golf-watching to the hilt. Among the tips Fred will share this week: 1) rerouting all your phone calls to your ex-wife's lawyer's house; 2) reducing your pulse to zero in case friends come over; and 3) anaerobic napping.

(G) 4:00 p.m. ARNOLD
An ongoing retrospective of the life and career of the great Arnold Palmer. All this month: The Preschool Years.

(G) 4:30 p.m. GREENSKEEPERS' CORNER
The weekly presentation of the Golf Course Superintendents' Association. Today: "I am Joe's divot."