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Everybody, shut up and sit down.
Now, as you all know, the NCAA finally removed its head from a large vat of lime Jell-O last week and agreed to consider a playoff to determine the national champion in major college football. I'm running this meeting, and we're going to settle this quicker than instant oatmeal.
First of all, we are going to have a playoff. We'll use the top four teams in the Associated Press poll, and we'll save the Rose, Fiesta and Orange bowls for the playoffs. The rest of you bowls can carry on just the way you've been carrying on. Oh, and we're not waiting two years like the NCAA is talking about. We're starting now. We'll use the Rose and the Fiesta for the semifinals on New Year's Day. Then the Orange Bowl will be moved back a week, to the second Monday in January, for the title game. The first game....
Chair recognizes the guy wearing the ugly shorts and the whistle.
Well, Coach, we aren't using the USA Today/ CNN coaches' poll because it's about as phonied up as a Tammy Faye Bakker centerfold. No wonder you coaches don't reveal your votes. You cither vote to make yourselves look good or to make the teams that whipped you look good. Look at the most recent coaches' poll. West Virginia has seven first-place votes and Florida State 13. Yet West Virginia is ranked second and Florida State third. That means a lot of coaches voted FSU fourth or fifth or sixth. Florida State's scout team isn't sixth.
Chair recognizes the guy in the red blazer.
Yessir, you can keep your Rose Parade and your Rose Brunch and Willard Scott and everything else. Nothing changes, except you finally get a game somebody outside Gardena actually cares about. We figured this would be a nice change of pace for you guys. It has been 20 years since the Pac-10 or the Big Ten had an undisputed national champion.
Chair recognizes the yo-yo in the Tennessee face paint.