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See You in Court
Rick Reilly
August 30, 1993
Inspired by Bryan Fortay, scrubs everywhere will soon be suing the clipboards off their coaches
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August 30, 1993

See You In Court

Inspired by Bryan Fortay, scrubs everywhere will soon be suing the clipboards off their coaches

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Flanders: Coach, I believe you know my attorney, Mr. Becker.

Naturally, we are filing papers immediately against every coach who ever cut us, benched us and/or yanked us out of a game. We're asking $11 million in the suit against our high school baseball coach, because that's the amount your basic .236 hitter can earn in a big league career, and we knew we would have been good for at least a .236 average if we had ever gotten into actual games. We're also filing a small breach-of-promise suit against our mother, who repeatedly assured us we would grow up to be President.

In fact, we like filing so much that we have decided to become legal consultants to other athletes who find that a good multimillion-dollar lawsuit will make them feel much better. This kind of thing will be our Fortay, if you will.

For instance, we are currently under retainer to a Mr. Chuck Wepner, who is suing a Mr. Muhammad Ali for willfully and repeatedly aggravating Mr. Wepner's sensitive skin condition. Mr. Ali was fully aware that Mr. Wepner's skin happens to bleed when struck. Not only did Mr. Ali's actions damage Mr. Wepner's boxing reputation, but they also destroyed his highly touted potential as a Ralph Lauren model.

We have also begun legal action for a Mr. Tom Weiskopf against a Mr. Jack Nicklaus, insomuch as Mr. Nicklaus continually and knowingly sank putts right in holes that Mr. Weiskopf was trying to putt into, thus distracting Mr. Weiskopf greatly and preventing him from walking away with about two dozen very heavy trophies stuffed with cash. And we're working on other complaints by the following:

1) Mr. Ralph Branca, who was done a grave disservice by a Mr. Bobby Thomson;

2) Mr. Fran Tarkenton against a Mr. Too Tall Jones, who repeatedly blocked Mr. Tarkenton's view during NFL games, making it very difficult for Mr. Tarkenton to see his receivers;

3) the citizens of Denver, who were promised that they would get a major league baseball team and instead got the Colorado Rockies.

We're also asking for a few million for Melvin Stringley and his tongue. Melvin figures he's out some big cash from what would have been a great trumpet career.

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