Don't start with me. It's hot. I'm Cranky, I've got sunblock in my tuna sandwich, sand in my ears and some sort of mollusk in my swimsuit liner. The hole in the ozone layer is directly above my towel, and if the kid to my left turns up Vanilla Ice any higher, he's going to need a Sonyectomy. Now is not the time to mess with me about sports. I've had it up to here with some of this stuff. In fact, I don't want to hear another word about...
?Comebacks. Last week, Ben Johnson's comeback featured a seventh-place finish. Sixth place was a guy laying tile. Fifty-five years ago, Jesse Owens ran a 10.2. Johnson hasn't run that fast since 1988. If Owens comes back today, we still bet on him.
The only guy Johnson might be able to beat is Mark Spitz, whose own stirring comeback featured a 26th-place finish last month. Spitz barely nosed out a guy wearing water wings. Then there are Bjorn Borg and Kurt Thomas, who are both doing a nice job of making us forget how great they once were. Guys, wake up and smell the Ben-Gay.
?Fastballs being "cheese," loaded bases being "juiced," every strikeout being "the whiiiiifff" every home run being a "dinger." This is cable-highlight cuteness run amok. It is not easy to sit and watch CNN's Nick Charles and Hannah Storm and ESPN's Charlie Steiner and John Saunders tell us the bases were juiced when Cecil Fielder took high cheese. What is this, the breakfast bar at Bob's Big Boy?
? Andre Agassi's wardrobe.
? Michael Jordan's golf game. The next guy that says, "After the NBA, Michael is going to play the Tour" gets 10 whacks with a niblick. Jordan is about as close to making the Tour as Ian Woosnam is to dunking a basketball. Jordan's handicap is around a seven. Tour players are around a plus seven on the toughest courses in the world. Head-to-head, Woosnam only beats Jordan by about 14 shots. To say that Jordan could learn in the off-season what Woosnam has spent 12 hours a day perfecting since he was a kid is a flat-out insult.
?Gangs at malls. Some shopping malls are banning kids wearing L.A. Raiders and L.A. Kings jackets and caps. The shopkeepers say that the teams' logos and colors are gang insignia. This is good. Now, we can all feel safe as we buy our L.A. Raiders and L.A. Kings jackets and caps at Foot Locker.
?Collectors. Do you realize that Pee Wee Reese's signature and Hank Aaron's signature both went for $20 last week at a show in Anaheim, Calif.? Reese should have to pay $20 just to get in the same ballroom as Aaron. Another thing: Do you know that there are now agent cards? They're the ones that slide out of the stack. There's even a rumor going around that the protective cup Nolan Ryan wore while pitching his seventh no-hitter went for $60,000 at an auction the other day.
He: Hey, Honey, I just bought Nolan Ryan's cup for $60,000.
She: How are we gonna drink out of it, idiot? It's got holes in it! Would getting a life be too much to ask?